Answering the Tough Questions...

It feels like recently, with the dying down of the weather, more attention is being drawn to people at home. Spending less time outside, at the beach, doing the carefree things that summer allows, brings a remembrance of everything that was wrong and hard about relationships in the Spring. So, today, I want to try and address some tough questions. I have asked a few friends to think, and to ask some of their friends, some common relationship questions or problems that women (or men!) have, and I'm going to be very ambitious and try to address them with my own opinions.

Again, please remember that these are my opinions. If you disagree, that is completely fine, but antagonizing someone else will not be accepted in Facebook comments, Blogger comments or private messages.

Q: My significant other doesn't want to spend time with me. How do I change this situation?

My first thought goes with the very phrasing of this question, "My significant other doesn't want to spend time with me," have you asked them? Their body language may be telling you that they aren't interested in watching a movie with you, but did you vocalize your wants by saying, "It would mean a lot to me if we could spend some time together tonight. Would you like to watch a movie with me?" This usually leads into the, "well if they loved me, they would just know that." No. That's dumb. People are not psychic.

Have you ever had something on your mind that was all you could think about, plan for, worry about, etc.? In that mindset, you were not aware that someone else may have been trying to say something to you or spend time with you, and also in that mindset you might not have been aware that you were projecting an unapproachable nature to those around you. It is not fair to your relationship to assume that someone else can read your mind.

Maybe the way they feel love is not by spending quality time together. This should be something you discuss! My husband feels love through words of affirmation. However, it does not always cross my mind, despite my best efforts, to praise him often. He sometimes has to remind me, "Katie, it would mean a lot to me if you would write me a note telling me how much you love me." As silly as that may sound, when he mentions that, all of my best intentions from that previous week to be nice and tell him my appreciation floods back to me, and then I am able to fulfill his need in the way that he feels love. In the same breath, I feel love through quality time and I have had to ask him for quality time on several occasions.

And also, part of this situation is accepting that it is not your job, nor within your capacity to change someone. The only thing you can change is yourself and your behavior.

Q: We fight about the same things, and he never sees my side!

Fighting about the same topics isn't necessarily a bad thing. It means that the things you are arguing about are important core aspects of your relationship. Because of that they deserve to be addressed, not argued about.

Ben and I found ourselves in a similar situation after Paxton was born. When you talk about these things it has to be compromise on both sides. You may not understand his point of view entirely, and you don't have to. It doesn't have to make sense to you, or your opinion to him. What does have to make sense is how you both decide to compromise with it. For example: Ben and I argued about how to evenly distribute time between his family, my family, and our family. Our compromise was to try and spend even amount of time with his and my respective families each week, and then one weekend a month (Friday night, Saturday and a Sunday) was reserved for our family (Ben, Me and Paxton). We didn't go visit either family, it was just for us. It was a compromise we agreed on, even though we sat on different sides of the fence.

Now, once a compromise has been made there needs to be safety in discussing if it is not being kept. It should be fair for someone to say, I don't feel like we have been doing a good job at *insert compromise here*. And there shouldn't need to be an argument, but a conversation about how to correct the situation or a, "I will try to do better." And that is the end of it! You don't need to pester them for the next week about how it will be getting better, or it doesn't need to turn into another fight. An essential part of relationships is understanding that you both bring to the table completely different life experiences that make you who you are. And even once you are on the same page, behavior does not change overnight, even if we want it to. It takes some reminding and a lot of patience.

Q: My significant other broke my trust. Now what?

This is a challenging situation. In this frame of mind, something to remember is that, if you are willing to work on it, it can be repaired, but it is going to take a lot of time and you have to be prepared to be patient. Be aware, that a relationship without trust, in my experience, will turn into more like a roommate situation than a marriage. To rebuild trust you have to get to a situation where you are comfortable trying to move forward. An important aspect of this is to forgive, though you don't necessarily have to forget. For your own wellness you need to forgive. If you decide to try and repair your relationship, you need to forgive. But forgetting can be hard. To make a relationship work, you don't need to forget, but you will need to get to a place where when you think back to the event or situation that happened it no longer makes you feel some-sort-of-way. You can acknowledge that it happened without it getting to you.

Do you have more questions? You can comment below, or message me privately on Facebook.

SPICE: Goal Setting for a Successful Future

When I was on my mission, after the new year in January, I learned about SPICE goals. I didn't think about them much more until I came home from my mission and felt a little lost. At that point, I revisited my SPICE goals.

SPICE goals are what I turn to when I don't know what else to do with my life. When I'm lost, or feel stuck.

What are SPICE goals?

SPICE goals represent each of the categories in life that goals can be tied to. The idea behind SPICE goals is that instead of identifying 1 all encompassing goal, you select 5 goals-- one in each area, and rotate your work. This allows for higher success because even on bad days when you aren't working as diligently as you'd like on 1 goal, you have 4 others to look to.

What does SPICE stand for?

Spiritual
Physical
Intellectual
Civic
Educational

Spiritual: These goals are focused on the inside. Inner peace, inner healing, the grieving process, etc. Maybe you have been dealing with a challenge in life that seems insurmountable. Your spiritual goal might be to meditate daily for better focus, or to begin attending church again, actively practicing daily prayers, etc. These goals are good for the soul.

Physical: These are the most self-explanatory goals. These are the famous "Lose 15 lbs", "get a 6-pack" goals. They can also be about endurance-- personal records, accomplishing something physical-- hike, run 1 mile, learn a new skill or sport. These goals are good for the body.

Intellectual: These goals stimulate the mind. Take on a new puzzle, attempt a new hobby, read. These goals are good for the mind.

Civic: "Do your civic duty." If you've never voted this goal might be to vote for the first time, volunteer at a soup kitchen, adopt a highway and pick up trash, host a block party, organize a neighborhood yard sale, etc. These goals are good for your environment.

Educational: Take class at a local community college just because. Watch youtube videos to learn a new dance. Learn a new language. These goals are good for your future.

Good for the soul, for the body, the mind, the environment, & your future.

Our Michael

Dedicated to Michael. Wherever you are, we hope you have found peace, safety, and a place to belong.

When Ben and I got married we talked a lot about our dreams, our hopes, and how we wanted to change the world. Something we both had in common was our desire to get into charity and non-profit work. I have always had a special place in my heart for the homeless in our communities. When I was on my mission I had the privilege of getting to serve in an area where there was something called a, "Warming Center". In Post Falls, Idaho you can imagine that the temperatures get pretty cold. Whenever it was going to be too cold outside, they would open up a basement area of a transitional housing center and bus in as many of the vagrant population as they could find that would willingly come with them. We would then have people donate dinners and we would feed them, talk with them and we all rested a little easier knowing that at least they had somewhere warm to be for that night. 

Ben and I moved into a small apartment when we got married, and we have a lot of memories from that space. One of the memories that has touched my life in a way I don't think I will ever forget is a man named Michael. 

Michael would periodically be on one of the major intersections that surrounded our home trying to collect money for what we all hoped was food and other necessary supplies. For a while, neither Ben nor I paid much attention to him. But then something changed and he kept showing up time and time again. 

Neither Ben or I carry cash on us very often, but on one occasion, we did have a few dollars with us and we decided to give it to Michael. Ben rolled down the window at the redlight and had a short exchange with him before it turned green. Now, I know some people will have the opinion that he was using the money he got from people for drugs, alcohol, etc. And you know, it could very well be that. I don't have proof that he didn't use it for that. However, in my life, I have decided that it is not my place to judge. I do not know what he needs, I only know that he is in need. 

Throughout the year that we lived in our apartment we would stop and give to Michael as often as we had money to. On several occasions we would give him food instead, which he was equally grateful for. He always remembered us, and we always remembered him. Because of Michael, it became almost a habit to keep the little bit of cash we would collect handy for when we saw him. 

Shortly after Valentine's Day of 2016 we stopped seeing Michael. Overnight he disappeared. There had been a bought of rain, and so we wondered if once the weather cleared up, he might appear again, but he never did. It's silly, but I think every time we drive through that area both Ben and I look for Michael. It's been almost 6 months. It's funny, but I think we both worry. 

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people can touch our lives. I don't know where Michael is, or what he's doing now, but I do know that somehow, in the short conversations we had, he changed our lives and we will never be the same. 

Thank you, Michael. ... Thank you.

6 Summer Reads to Catch Before the Leaves Start Fall-ing

I've seen some of my friends looking for new reads. It seems that there's just something about summer that gets everyone in a good mood to put on some shades and their best swimsuit and head to the beach with a new book. Whether you get all the way through the book or just a few page turns in, there is something classic about the summer and an easy read. Something nostalgic!

Both my husband and I are avid readers year round! So here's my "top 10" list that you should check out this summer season.

1.) A year by the sea by Joan Anderson

This book literally changed my life. It's a light read, just like you want from a summer novel, but it's inspiring and relatable to most of the women out there. It's a memoir of the author, and the story begins with Joan's husband taking a new job offer. Being empty nesters that are growing apart, Joan decides to go stay at their Cape Cod house while her husband tackles his new job. "A Year by the Sea" is a riveting story of a coming of age after mid-life crisis and what it can mean to find yourself again.

2.) Love Walked In by Marisa De Los Santos

It's a beautiful story about family, love, honesty, and holding on!

3.) Dear Carolina by Kristy Woodson Harvey

I had the honor and privilege of meeting this amazing author on my birthday last year. She is just as personable on paper as she was in that bookstore in Duck, NC. Grab a tissue box for the end of this story.

4.) Lies and Other Acts of Love by Kristy Woodson Harvey

Another great read from Kristy Woodson Harvey! I meshing of family generations and paralleled love stories. A granddaughter learns from her grandmother why marriage, and family life can never truly just be black and white.

5.) Eve by William Paul Young

If you have read "The Shack" this book is by the same author! It's religious fiction meets sci-fi fantasy in a book that had me thinking it was going so slow until I got to the end and it came together in a beautiful mash up. It's a new take on the creation story.

6.) The Untethered Soul by Micheal A. Singer

More of a self-improvement take on reading. This book helps you understand your mind and, as the cover says is, "the journey beyond yourself."

I hope you enjoy these reads as much as I did. If you need some good books to pick up, these are some of my best suggestions.

Oh Baby! Oh Baby!: Postpartum stories & Baby weight woes

Having Paxton was probably the single most amazing experience of my life. It wasn't until he was born, that I realize how amazing it was to actually have carried him. When I look at my son, I see his little hands and toes and am amazed at my divine nature at a woman to be able to have created this little being-- all of his tissues, his organs, bones, and features were grown within my womb. And that continues to amaze me every day.

Though having Paxton has changed my life, and I would go through it all over again to have him here, it is not something that was easy to get him here. My birth plan went out the window and I had to make a new plan out of left field.

After 2 months, I think I'm finally getting the hang of motherhood. One of my first hurdles was deciding what to do about my career. I'm still working on my bachelors degree, thankfully I'll be finishing that in May! but the more time I spent with Paxton the more I knew that I couldn't leave my infant with someone else that I didn't know. Ben and I have wonderful families, but are without the opportunity for someone within our families to watch Paxton full-time. So, with a lot of faith, we moved forward with faith to become a one income family. After tackling the financial aspect of having a baby-- oh baby, oh baby there is a medical bill for everything, we are moving forward with faith that we will be okay.

The other thing that I'm really working on accepting is the changes in my body. Having a baby changes everything. I'm pretty sure my body has been stretched in directions that I didn't even know existed! Thankfully some of the weight came off all on it's own after the IV fluids streamed out of my body, but overcoming the fact that my pre-baby clothes still don't fit, that my fingers are still too swollen for my wedding rings to fit, it's a huge disappointment in myself.

I am grateful for my husband who supports me and still helps me to feel beautiful, and for all the beautiful moms who just glow with joy in their families. I'm trying to learn to take everything in stride, one thing at a time.

Have tips for me? Would love to hear them! Have questions? Bring those too!

Self-Taught Chef

Dear Readers,

I have begun a new blog! It is entitled, "Self-Taught Chef", and also on blogger. You can subscribe via e-mail, or check my Facebook feeds for updated information as well.

On my new blog I will be sharing recipes, shortcuts, and other kitchen stories. If you have favorite recipes for me to try, or that you would like to share, feel free to submit them to me! ORRRRR... if you have something that you would like me to try and experiment with, I am open to suggestions as well.

Happy Reading!

http://self-taughtchef.blogspot.com/

-Kate

5 Things my Son taught me about being a parent

1. Fed is best. I had always planned on breast feeding my children. However, when I came home from the hospital with Paxton and began that process, it devastated me to realize that it wasn't something I would be able to do. I felt that I had let my son down by feeding him formula and I felt some sort of deeply rooted shame every time I went to purchase it. It took me a while to realize that fed is best. Breast fed, bottle fed, formula fed, mixture, just feed your kids. Whatever's comfortable for you, whatever works for you. If your baby is fed you are doing your job.



2. Keeping up with the Jones. I would love to tell you that my house is spotless right now, but that would be a huge lie. Frequently there's crumbs on the floor, currently Paxton's clean clothes are unfolded in his laundry basket and we've been pulling out what we need as we go, our bedroom is cluttered, and our front flower beds need weeding. But I can honestly say I'm doing the best I can. I pick up when I can. I clean up as I go. But I have accepted that if I plan to keep my house spotless and love my newborn I, personally, am gonna go insane.



3. If you weren't a morning person before, you are now. SURPRISE! It took having my son to help me become friends with the early morning hours. But now it's good!.... most days. My days start early, it's how I plan on justifying living in yoga pants for the rest of my life.



4. Your EVERYTHING hurts. Your arms hurt from holding, if you're not holding you're rocking, if you're not rocking you're folding laundry, making bottles, or fighting with them to stay still for a bath or diaper change. Your back hurts from holding, if you're not holding you're rocking, if you're not rocking your reaching for them or them for you. You're holding them still and reaching for a diaper or wipe, etc. Your neck hurts from sleeping in odd positions so that the baby will sleep and YOU can sleep. I think Ben and I both have fallen asleep in the recliner, glider, couch and the floor. Yep, the floor.



5. It's all worth it. So hang in there, Moms!

Dear Dad...

Dear You,

            I am writing this letter because I want you to know that I forgive you and also that I’m grateful for the role you played in my life. There have been times that I thought my life was empty because it didn’t have you in it. I blamed myself and a lot of other people that you weren’t there for me. I blamed myself the longest and the hardest. But I’ve come to a point where I forgive you, and where I can also say, “thank you,” for not showing up.

            Thank you for missing my soccer games, dance recitals, and my high school graduation. When I looked in the bleachers and saw my grandparents, my mom, and my little brother at my soccer game it made it even sweeter that they were there. At my dance recital I’ll never forget that my uncle Billy was there with flowers. During my high school graduation my uncle Brent and aunt Kelly were there, of course with mommy and nanny and poppy and Devin.

            Thank you for not being there while I was dating. Because you were gone I knew what was important to look for in a husband. I’m really grateful to have someone by my side that will be there for my son as he grows up to show him what a father looks like in action.

            In some ways, maybe I did miss out on things. But as I look back now, your absence made me more aware of the love I do have surrounding me. I don’t feel like I missed out. I think you did. And as I prepare to become a mom, graduate from college, and buy my first home I am so excited to cherish my loved ones being there with me for all of it. Thank you, dad, for helping me understand how important family and fr-amily (friends that are family) really are.

            I hope that whatever your life is filled with that it has brought you happiness over the years and true joy, because I have that and it’s truly priceless. As my son grows inside me each day I think about you and I wonder where you are and what you’re doing. But as I look around at the love surrounding me I realize that maybe, just this once, it was better that you weren’t there in my life.

            Thank you for helping to bring me into this world. Thank you for taking the time to be in my life when you were. Thank you mostly for leaving because I learned so much about myself on this journey. I’m sure if we passed each other you would have no trouble recognizing me—I look just like my mother. I could probably pass you without knowing, but I hope if you do see me that you don’t feel regret or guilt but that you are proud of the way I ended up, because I’m proud of the person I am. And in my mind we would wave to each other as friendly strangers and life will go on and we can both feel peace in the knowledge that we did right by each other.

            I don’t hate you, Dad. In fact, I love you. But thank you for not being there. I’m a better person because of it.

Love,

Me

Shakespeare Had it All Wrong

It's been a while! But once I catch you up on everything, I think it will make more sense as to why. In the past few months I have changed jobs, continued going to school online fulltime, found out I was pregnant after a few 1st year marriage struggles, and with the hustle of the holidays, I guess I didn't get around to writing very much. However, as Ben and I were winding down our day, a few thoughts came to me that I would like to share, you know, with the new year among us and everything. Brace yourselves the, "New year, New Me" status' are coming. And it's not to say that's a bad thing, but a very wise man asked me a few days after January 1st one year if I had thought much about my new years resolution since then. I had to admit I hadn't. It was in the back of my mind, but no matter how many encouraging stickie notes I put up to remind me not to eat that cupcake or open that bag of chips, I seemed to, by the end of January, have given way and forgotten most of my resolve. Any day is a good day for change. A new year is just a good way to mark it.

So, with that being said, getting to the subject line, ah yes, all the cringing English teachers that read this entry title. Don't worry, I am still very much a fan, however, I think he was a bit narrow sighted in one thing.

William Shakespeare-- poet, playwright, and literary genius unappreciated by his time, got many things right. However, something that I reflected on is one of the quotes he is most famous for from his writ, Hamlet.

"To be, or not to be, that is the question."

Now, if you are familiar with Hamlet, then you are familiar with the context of that quote, so I won't go into it. However, I think life isn't as much a question of being or not... you will "be" whether you enjoy your existence, and if you decide, "not to be," well, that is sad, but you still were, in that case on the have been which leaves everyone that has come to earth on the side of, "to be,". So, to be or not to be, well, you are already, "being". But what are you doing with it? That is a much more poignant question.

Not really sure my thoughts ran much deeper than that on the subject, but it seemed interesting enough to share.

To get in the New Year's spirit though, I will share a few of the things Ben and I are looking forward to in 2016...

1.) Becoming Parents: For those of you that don't know-- SURPRISE! We are expecting our first child. I am due May 30th. Before you ask, no, we still don't know what we are having, but guesses on gender are welcome.

2.) Writing: Both Ben and I have some literary ideas we are hoping to accomplish in this upcoming year. Inspired by an author I had the privilege of meeting during our beautiful Thanksgiving holiday in the OBX, I am hoping my dream of publishing SOMETHING before I die, will be 1 step closer to fruition. Ben is also working on a novel and is much further along than I am... (overachiever). In my defense I have spent the last few months growing organs.

3.) Eat more Popcorn: No seriously. Ben always gets frustrated that even though he brushes his teeth twice a day religiously, flosses, and brushes after sugar, I have better dental check-ups than him. To ease his pain, I am going to eat more popcorn this year, so he won't have to floss in the bathroom alone.

4.) Be Fearless: Oh TSwift, your songs will echo through the minds of the next generation from the mouths of their parents. Incase you didn't get the "Fearless" and Taylor Swift reference, it was a good album, go look it up on iTunes. But, on a more serious note, one of my favorite quotes is, "faith and fear cannot abide the same territory." I have pondered countless hours on what that could mean and how I could live it more fully. With a little bit more wisdom in my soul, and a lot that I could be very afraid of this year (I mean, let's be honest, I'm young, married, pretty broke, pregnant, in school, you see where this is going... oh young adult woes!) I am aspiring to face it head on the like Jean Grey.

Photo Rights: https://www.google.com/search?q=Jean+Gray+holding+back+the+dam+from+xmen&rlz=1C1CHFX_enUS487US487&biw=1093&bih=514&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwigtZaPporKAhXGrB4KHTAMDAYQ_AUIBigB#imgrc=7iTfcwv_GysggM%3A

1 day down, 365 more to go... remember the Leap Year!