It feels like recently, with the dying down of the weather, more attention is being drawn to people at home. Spending less time outside, at the beach, doing the carefree things that summer allows, brings a remembrance of everything that was wrong and hard about relationships in the Spring. So, today, I want to try and address some tough questions. I have asked a few friends to think, and to ask some of their friends, some common relationship questions or problems that women (or men!) have, and I'm going to be very ambitious and try to address them with my own opinions.
Again, please remember that these are my opinions. If you disagree, that is completely fine, but antagonizing someone else will not be accepted in Facebook comments, Blogger comments or private messages.
Q: My significant other doesn't want to spend time with me. How do I change this situation?
My first thought goes with the very phrasing of this question, "My significant other doesn't want to spend time with me," have you asked them? Their body language may be telling you that they aren't interested in watching a movie with you, but did you vocalize your wants by saying, "It would mean a lot to me if we could spend some time together tonight. Would you like to watch a movie with me?" This usually leads into the, "well if they loved me, they would just know that." No. That's dumb. People are not psychic.
Have you ever had something on your mind that was all you could think about, plan for, worry about, etc.? In that mindset, you were not aware that someone else may have been trying to say something to you or spend time with you, and also in that mindset you might not have been aware that you were projecting an unapproachable nature to those around you. It is not fair to your relationship to assume that someone else can read your mind.
Maybe the way they feel love is not by spending quality time together. This should be something you discuss! My husband feels love through words of affirmation. However, it does not always cross my mind, despite my best efforts, to praise him often. He sometimes has to remind me, "Katie, it would mean a lot to me if you would write me a note telling me how much you love me." As silly as that may sound, when he mentions that, all of my best intentions from that previous week to be nice and tell him my appreciation floods back to me, and then I am able to fulfill his need in the way that he feels love. In the same breath, I feel love through quality time and I have had to ask him for quality time on several occasions.
And also, part of this situation is accepting that it is not your job, nor within your capacity to change someone. The only thing you can change is yourself and your behavior.
Q: We fight about the same things, and he never sees my side!
Fighting about the same topics isn't necessarily a bad thing. It means that the things you are arguing about are important core aspects of your relationship. Because of that they deserve to be addressed, not argued about.
Ben and I found ourselves in a similar situation after Paxton was born. When you talk about these things it has to be compromise on both sides. You may not understand his point of view entirely, and you don't have to. It doesn't have to make sense to you, or your opinion to him. What does have to make sense is how you both decide to compromise with it. For example: Ben and I argued about how to evenly distribute time between his family, my family, and our family. Our compromise was to try and spend even amount of time with his and my respective families each week, and then one weekend a month (Friday night, Saturday and a Sunday) was reserved for our family (Ben, Me and Paxton). We didn't go visit either family, it was just for us. It was a compromise we agreed on, even though we sat on different sides of the fence.
Now, once a compromise has been made there needs to be safety in discussing if it is not being kept. It should be fair for someone to say, I don't feel like we have been doing a good job at *insert compromise here*. And there shouldn't need to be an argument, but a conversation about how to correct the situation or a, "I will try to do better." And that is the end of it! You don't need to pester them for the next week about how it will be getting better, or it doesn't need to turn into another fight. An essential part of relationships is understanding that you both bring to the table completely different life experiences that make you who you are. And even once you are on the same page, behavior does not change overnight, even if we want it to. It takes some reminding and a lot of patience.
Q: My significant other broke my trust. Now what?
This is a challenging situation. In this frame of mind, something to remember is that, if you are willing to work on it, it can be repaired, but it is going to take a lot of time and you have to be prepared to be patient. Be aware, that a relationship without trust, in my experience, will turn into more like a roommate situation than a marriage. To rebuild trust you have to get to a situation where you are comfortable trying to move forward. An important aspect of this is to forgive, though you don't necessarily have to forget. For your own wellness you need to forgive. If you decide to try and repair your relationship, you need to forgive. But forgetting can be hard. To make a relationship work, you don't need to forget, but you will need to get to a place where when you think back to the event or situation that happened it no longer makes you feel some-sort-of-way. You can acknowledge that it happened without it getting to you.
Do you have more questions? You can comment below, or message me privately on Facebook.
